Someone Else's Shoes

Occassionally I am able to get a moment of peace in the mornings while Max is at preschool. Sometimes I like to watch Studio 5 at 11:00 in the mornings. This month the theme for their show is putting yourself in someone else's shoes. I just so happened to be watching it this morning when the topic was sensitivity to couples dealing with infertility. They brought on a lady who had dealt with infertility for 5 years before she was able to become pregnant. She was giving some ideas for people who have friends/family experiencing infertility. This got me thinking how many times I had been unintentionally hurt by a person's comments and thought I would give a little input on my thoughts.

Have you ever been around a person who had recently gone through some tragedy and you have no idea how to act or what to sayto them because you've never exerienced the same thing? I think just about everyone would say yes. I'm sure people felt that way around me. I am a person who is open to talk about my infertility, but only if the topic comes up. Some people want to keep everything private and we really need to respect that.

Josh and I went through nearly 3 years of infertility. We were given a very low chance of success even with the help of doctors and it was absolutely devastating. I honestly felt like I had just lost a child. I had imagined since I was a teenager about being a mom and what my kids would look like, and who I would marry, etc..... To have this dream taken away, is just a horrific memory. I was always reminded by people saying: "At least you have one child," you just need to enjoy him. As if I didn't enjoy being a mom to the coolest kid in the world. This comment came from multiple women who have all had multiple children. Here are some other comments to avoid when talking to anyone experiencing infertility:

• When are you guys going to start having kids?


• Time for another kid don't you think?


• When commenting on the fact that Max has a difficult time sharing, "well, if he had a sibling that would fix the problem."


• Maybe you weren't meant to have kids or maybe you were meant to just have one


• You can always adopt.


• You just need to relax.


• You want kids, PLEASE take mine!


• There's probably a reason for it.


• You're still young, it will happen.


• My cousin adopted a baby and then, BOOM she got pregnant.


• I WISH I had that problem.


• I think that people who choose infertility treatments are,or just giving your opinion on the matter. Unless the couple asks for your opinion, keep it to yourself.


• You must be having lots of fun trying!


• My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant.


• Things could be worse.


• ***Do not walk up to the person especially if she's a woman in a group and ask her how it is going. That might just be the trigger that gets her to break down. If you are going to ask this question, do it in private.


• It's a good thing that YOU had the miscarriage instead of ______, since you already have a kid. **No joke, this was actually said to me.** Miscarriage is devastating no matter how many children you already have.


• If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, PLEASE don't start naming all the people you both know who are pregnant!


• Joking about being pregnant when you aren't is NOT funny. I don't understand why anyone would even joke about being pregnant. You never know what the recipient to your joke is thinking or if maybe they are going through infertility. This happened to me.


• When finding out someone is having twins, don't ask them if they used fertility treatments. It really isn't your business. I was asked this by so many people, even women I didn't know would ask this question.

Infertility is an emotional rollercoaster. When I was going through treatments, my hormones were all over the place. I did not always think rationally and I would cry at anything. Please remember this when you around an infertile. Infertility is devastating no matter how many kids you already have. I think that couples that already have a child, don't get the understanding from people as couples who don't have any. Secondary infertility is extremely common. I'm so glad that this topic was on Studio 5 today because most people don't think about it. There are so many people going through this, and I would bet that everyone who reads this know someone going through infertility, even if you aren't aware of it. Just remember that if you aren't sure you should say it, DON'T! Sometimes silence along with a hug is all it takes. If you haven't experienced this, there isn't anything you can say that will make the person feel better. Put yourself in her shoes, and let your friend know that you are there for her. Let HER be the one to open up about it first.

Well, that's my soap box for the day. I've got more pictures of my MIRACLE babies coming!!!