August

I've been greatly anticipating and yet dreading this month to come. I've been excited because I've had Max's birthday party to plan for and that's always stressful, but fun as well for me. He had a great birthday and loved celebrating it with his cousins and a few close friends of his. I am a little relieved that it is over now just because of how stressful planning a birthday event for a child can be, even when he is only turning 3!

This month has been also very difficult for me to get through because of my miscarriage back in February. My due date was supposed to be on the 23rd of August, and it has been a very emotional time for me. I have many friends that have been having babies over the past two months and I am very excited for them, but it has just been extra difficult for me. Seeing these moms with their new babies brings back all the hurt that I felt when I first miscarried. I have kept a brave face throughout it all and only a few people have even seen me cry over this.

I had been doing so well getting through all this, but while I was in the waiting room at the hospital waiting to see my brother-in-law's new baby girl there was another family there waiting for a new baby to be born. I was definately in the wrong place at the wrong time because the proud new father came out and announced "It's a GIRL". This triggered every emotion I felt that day when I spent half the day in the hospital because I miscarried when I was supposed to be having my first appointment to hear the heartbeat. Yes, I quickly removed myself from the room and hid in the stairwell for a good 30 minutes to avoid being seen by anyone with my bloodshot eyes. Yes, I wanted to go see the new baby. I just didn't want to take any attention away from baby and mom so after about 45 minutes I picked myself up and saw that adorable little baby girl, and I even held her. It was extremely difficult for me to do it, but I'm very happy and proud of myself for doing it. That was a very big step for me.

I don't fully understand why Josh and I are having such a difficult time becoming pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if it's just bad karma or something, but then I remember that everyone has their trials and this is one of ours. It isn't our first trial and it is definately not our last. It is getting more and more difficult each month after we find out yet again that we have had no luck. What makes it even more difficult is that we have family members who ask every time we see them if I am pregnant and I painfully have to say no. I am not trying to keep this private and I have openly discussed this with others. I just wish that these individuals would wait and see if it comes up because I don't mind talking about it, just on my own time.

I'm sorry this post is not upbeat at all, but one of the ways for me to deal is to write about it. So here I am just trying to make it through the next couple of days.